I was shocked when I first learned this one.
There was no way it was going to work.
It was going to cause more strife, not less.
Then I tried it.
It freed me.
Gave me control.
It magically put the onus of bad behavior straight where it belonged - on the person behaving badly.
You have to try this -
at dinner with your extended family
kids' birthday parties with your ex
work - virtual or in person
It will make dealing with difficult people SO much easier.
WARING! For relationship-first kinda people.
For anyone like me - a relationship-first kinda person -
I promise, this tool will sound
❄️ cold ⛔ unnecessary
👊 argumentative
It's none of those.
It's just counterintuitive.
People who prioritize relationships innately...
seek first to understand the other person
listen more than they talk
have deep curiosity about the other person
All of those can backfire when you're dealing with a difficult person.
Leaving you at a loss for how to deal with the person in front of you.
This one tool is extremely effective in
reducing anxiety when around difficult people
putting the onus of bad behavior where it belongs - on the person behaving badly, not you
freeing your time
Feel freedom - without changing THEM.
This tool can -
Shock others into better behavior.
Remove energy suckers out of your physical - and psychological - energy field.
And give you freedom.
Ready?
🧰 Your super simple tool 🧰
"Name it"
That's it.
Super, super simple.
When someone is behaving poorly,
Name it.
Calmly.
Matter-of-factly.
Check-all-your-snark-at-the-door-ly.
Name it.
The trick is to name it in the moment.
It won't work in hindsight.
Don't argue it - just name it.
Examples...
1. Your coworker consistently drops pistachio shells on the floor instead on the trashbin. In the midst of their dropping their trash on the floor, name it.
"You're putting pistachio shells on the floor."
(Not "What are you doing?" nor "Why are you don't that?" nor "There's a trashcan right there." Suspend all of that. Just name it).
2. Your sister-in-law's alcohol consumption consistently concerns the family. At a family dinner, she drinks more than you feel is healthy. When she pours herself another drink, name it.
"You're pouring yourself a drink."
(Not "You're pouring yourself ANOTHER drink" nor "Don't you think you've had enough?" nor "Oh my gosh, more?" Suspend all of that. Just name it).
3. Your uncle's physical lack of boundaries make people feel uncomfortable, but not unsafe. He puts his hand on your shoulder and it's unwelcome. He leaves his hand on your shoulder. Name it.
"Your hand is on my shoulder."
In this case, removing his hand would also be an appropriate boundary-setting action you can take.
In all of these scenarios, you are NAMING IT.
Calming.
Factually.
Leave-the-snark-at-the-door-ly.
✅ Dos and don'ts ⛔
✅ Do
Name the behavior. Nothing else.
Keep the description very simple.
Be matter of fact.
Say it loudly enough for others to hear if they were standing next to you.
⛔ Don't
Yell the statement.
Whisper the statement.
Describe the action with any judgement. Just name it.
Add details to the behavior - just what you see.
It works best when
You "catch them" in the moment. It won't work in hindsight
It is a repetitive behavior that someone hasn't changed, despite conversations with them
You can 100% remain factual. If you're charged, don't do it.
Results
When I implement this, I find..
The situation becomes less charged - for me and them.
The person comes face-to-face with their behavior - there is no escaping it
What they do after that is all theirs - not mine.
It is extremely freeing because...
I'm not expending energy biting my tongue
I'm not ruminating about someone else's behavior, I've called them on it
The behavior is the table now - and up to them about what to do about it.
If you're in my email community, try the "Name it" technique and tell me how it went. If you're not yet in my email community, pop your name in the box below. You'll get once a week inspiration direct to your inbox.
You got this.
I promise.
xo
Ashley
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